I’m a Suicide Survivor

I’m a survivor.  I made it.  Two years ago I wanted my life to be over.  It is not.

Reading the news feed, Facebook posts, and Tweets about Matthew Warren’s struggles with depression and suicide…it all comes back to me.  It never really leaves you.  It is a part of you.  Pain is real.  My heart goes out to Rick and Kay Warren.

If you are contemplating suicide or know someone who is…pray WITH them, talk about it, help them find the right doctors, go check yourself/your loved on into the hospital.  Ultimately each of us makes choices…some life or death.  I chose life.  I had a lot to live for.  

This verse sums it up for me…

What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So I quit being a “law (wo)man” so that I could be God’s (wo)man. Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily. Galatians 2:20 MSG

You see at the time of my deepest anxiety and depression…

I was a mom,

I worked part time,

We went to church,

We had financial security,

I was from a Christian family/upbringing,

but I withdrew…

I closed my Facebook account,

I quit my weekly Bible study,

I stopped exercising,

I stopped sleeping or slept too much,

I wanted medicine to “fix me”,

I went through the motions,

and I was far from “home.” (We lived in Kansas and all of our immediate family is scattered throughout the USA). 

Now, through prayer, perseverance, and peace…we have made a lot of life changes.  I have changed.  I am better today.  I see God’s glimmers of graces, and I thank Him for giving me new life to the full.  You cannot impress God…but He can impress You.  Give Him a chance.  Give your life time to grow…in looking back we can better see His plan…our plan.


5 thoughts on “I’m a Suicide Survivor

  1. I, too, am a survivor. Only my husband and my parents know. May I share?
    Years ago I was prepared to take my life. I had figured it out, brought everything I needed in my car to work, and would do it on Friday after work so no one would discover until after the weekend.
    But I didn’t have a reason. I just felt everything in all of life was pointless. Like you, I was raised Christian, knowing that I am saved by grace. I hadn’t been working for salvation or trying to impress anyone. There was no “trigger”. I have since realized I am simply depressed. I equate it with alcoholism: You don’t get over it, you just deal with it daily. (Some days easier than others.) And I still deal with it.

    That Friday, my boss did something, or had me do something, that made me suddenly realize that my life had value, at least in some small way. I was still at rock bottom, but I did not take the plunge. Over the weekend, in a horrible, sobbing, crying, fetal position mess of despair, I called my parents (1,000 miles away). A grown adult, calling my parents. They reminded me that God loves me and cares about me. I didn’t believe it yet, but their concern helped lift me slightly from the bottom of the pit.

    If anyone tells me they are depressed, I am there. I listen. There is no “why”. If life seems meaningless, it doesn’t matter what you have going for you. Listening is all any of us can do.
    Thanks for listening!

    Liked by 1 person

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